My mother never went as far as the mailbox, which was attached just outside of the front door, without first applying makeup and putting in earrings. When I was a little girl, I went to school with my hair in order and always matching outfits. My grass stained, torn jeans were saved for the ball field, my pajamas for bed time and each outing was met with appropriate attire. I hated it.
I was a tomboy, of course, but dressing up meant frills and tights, never getting dirty, skirts, dresses and the like. In these moments I waited impatiently for the point in the day where one of my parents gave the word and I would race to put on my denim.
We did not have a lot of money—I still don’t—but my appearance was never limited by that fact and the lesson has never left me. I stopped hating the act of dressing up once I started putting on the right clothes. Slacks. Ties. Vests. A well-made pair of shoes.
I am 5 foot 1 inch tall. I bind my breasts. I have hips. I wear menswear. It is a challenge to find clothes that make me feel handsome. I shop in the boys section as well as the men’s. I look for gender neutral clothing in women’s sizes. It is never as easy as going to the store and pulling something off of the rack, but I’d rather put in the effort than look like a child playing dress up in their father’s clothing.
My gender identity, as it's perceived, is wrapped up in clothing more than anything. More than the masculine space I expand my chest into to fill, more than the protective arm I wrap around my partner, how I’m read in the world at first glance is based on my what I pull out of my wardrobe. I try to keep it dapper.
Applause to you, Nanette, for stepping out and starting this blog!
ReplyDeleteNow, a question for you: do you identify as trans solely based on the articles of clothing you choose to wear, or is there more to it than that?
I only ask because some classify themselves as transgender based on clothing choices and the way they present themselves to society, some classify themselves as transsexual and actually go through gender reassignment surgery, etc. and some classify as genderqueer.
And there are so many words that people use to describe themselves that it can be hard to keep up. And so, when someone we know is going through a transition, it's hard to know what to call them. Do we refer to you as a man, woman, he, she, girlfriend, boyfriend? Will you be/are you considering surgery to take it one step further?
Many questions, I know, but better to get answers than to keep wondering.
Hello unknown?
ReplyDeleteNo, in this case, clothing does not make the man. There is more depth to the conversation than the threads on my shoulders. I think clothing is a way to take pride in your identity, regardless of gender. For me, tending to my appearance is self care. Taking the time to feel good about who I am and how I present.
I've identified as genderqueer for most of the time that I've been out. As for pronouns, currently I go by both. I'm comfortable with that fluidity for the time being. I am my girlfriend's boyfriend, my father's daughter, and when I'm drinking beer with my cis male friends, I'm one of the guys.
There is more in store for me in the future concerning the my physical body and the dissonance that I experience because of it. As for now though, I'm navigating my life with the body I have in the world I belong to.
Has this process come as a surprise to your friends and family? I'm curious to know what the response has been because for some, it would probably come as a shock - not the clothing choices, although some might be shocked by the binding - but the choice to be called by the male pronoun, being your girlfriend's boyfriend, etc.
ReplyDelete